Landi

If only I could offer you a heart as full and as big as this one…

But you see, this world and this life, they’re never fair.

I remember the first time I saw you, or was it the first time I noticed you? You, with those piercing beautiful eyes and that awkward, gentle smile. I noticed how timid you were, just standing at the corner and watching people.

I wished that you’d look at me. I don’t know if you did, but I pretended to be preoccupied. So, I guess, I’ll never know?

But I wanted to find out who you were, without really telling anyone why…

And I did. After how many days, I did. I checked your account a few times, but I never had the courage to connect with you. Why? What for? We didn’t really have an interaction.

Fate has its nasty tricks. She brought us together (not romantically, nor sexually).

I was able to observe you from up close. I’m not saying that you felt the same way. It’s just wishful thinking. I was able to come up with my assumptions as to who you are and what your personality is. Needless to say, I was drawn. I was drawn in the idea that here’s someone who may not be perfect, but who makes me try to steal glances and take second looks. I was excited to see your social media accounts and imagine how you would fare as a significant other; how your activities and posts reflect the type of person that you are. I felt like a teenage gay guy with a brand spanking new cute crush.

I don’t want to try anymore. This heart has been broken so many times that the only thing keeping it together is the love I have for myself. I don’t want to walk that path and have it shattered again. I’m not the type who would jump at every opportunity to find love. I’m fine and somewhat content with how my regular daily routine is.

I’ve become so jaded that I only think of romantic relationships as something that would never work for me. And that I’m nobody’s cup of tea. Or maybe, I just don’t know how to play the dating game anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, because this isn’t me wallowing in self-pity. This is just me, mastering the art of self-preservation. But……

You’re different. Oh. I sure hope you are. You made me go back to writing stupid, nonsense bullshits about crushes..

I wish there was a way for you and me to get closer, again, without me telling everyone why. I want it to develop naturally; or maybe if we go there, I want you to be the one who would make the first move. I’m too old to try and too tired to initiate.

Because really, if you do that (wishful thinking) I would be all in.

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