Birth Month Blues

  • Saturday 12-01-2019 9:25 PM

Do You also have days when all you want to do is run away because everything else suffocates you? When you just want to be at peace with your bed because doing something else – even the barest minimum just feels too much?‬

I guess I’m experiencing one of those days.

Probably experiencing one of those days now.

Maybe it’s because of the lack of sleep or the not having anything to look forward to (except for a few trips) this year; or the sudden changes or I’m just accepting the fact that I’m aging and I have so many of these little things that don’t really spark joy (hello Marie Kondo).

I feel that I have so much baggages but when I try to empty them, I couldn’t.

I couldn’t, because there’s nothing there? Which is weird, right?

I find happiness in watching movies and series, but it takes my time away from others.

And then, I feel bad for not being present. But then, I end up asking if some people really care?

Because there are those who know you inside and out, and you know these are the ones that are for keeps.

There are those whom you want to keep, but is it really worth doing?

And there’s this other feeling – the one that’s unique to you; that no one would ever understand because they never lived your life.

Yes, you may say that we all have that and it’s not something I should make a fuss about.

But it’s being magnified now, like 1000 times stronger?

It must be the day.

I believe it must be this day.

Or this month, which was supposed to be my favorite month of all.

Or must be the fact that I’m inside a moving vehicle and I’m staring into the darkness of the night.

Or it must be just me being me.

Something that those whom I cherish would ALWAYS, ALWAYS understand.

😈😇

 

  • Monday 14-01-2019 10:35 AM

There are some things I realized after my shitload of drama last Saturday night.

1) Yes, it is the birthday month and I think it’s the perfect excuse for my overly sensitive and emotional behaviour. Sorry, not sorry.

2) It was a super tiring Christmas and post New Year season.

I’ve had reunions left and right, and I don’t mind. It’s fun being with friends and reminiscing the past; but I guess it came to a point where I had to tell myself that “ok, that’s enough (for now).”

3) I am usually a nice person (except for the sometimes RBF). I believe that I am a really, really good friend. I mean, I would stay up late at night listening to their problems even if it meant I’m going to find a hard time sleeping coz, hello, sleeping problems.

I don’t blame them. I’m happy doing these things. But it got to a point when I had to pause for a while and reassess what I appear to these people – am I a mere emotional punching bag; or do they see my worth as a friend?

I would always go the extra mile for friends. But would all of them do the same for me?

I hope some would.

At the end of the day, I’m happy if I’ve done something nice for a friend – even if it’s as simple as listening to their stories and their bullshits.

Now, I’d like to take some time off for myself.

So dear friend/s, please don’t be mad at me. I’m still here, still the same person.

But just for this week and the next, I would not answer to “Come meet me” but I’d rather respond to “Where are you? Let me join you.”

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