The Other A
I saw him again. But being deliberately ignored doesn’t really give me enough strength to force a smile in front of him. So, I tried my very best to maintain a poker face. As if I never really fancied him; as if I never even asked him out; as if we were never in a photograph together.
I remember the very first time I saw him, he was handing out sandwiches and drinks and taking note of the number of volunteers he needed to ‘feed’ during that event. He was the sunshine in an otherwise hot and humid November day. He had that sweet smile that could’ve put Mona Lisa to shame.
It took me a few months before I decided to follow him on Twitter, but I kind of checked his account A LOT. My first harmless reply was when he was wishing for a rainy day in February; and the next one was a couple of months after – three heart-eyed emojis. I guess I sort of declared that I have a crush on him then. I did not add him on Facebook on purpose because I was afraid he would see how GAY and EFFEMINATE I was and that he would no longer talk to me. I am aware that he’s also “effem”; and that whatever I’ve been posting would just turn him off. I just wanted to admire him and I was happy with the occasional replies.
Eventually, I followed him on his other social media accounts (yes, even on Facebook). As expected, the replies lessened. Until there were none at all. And I was left asking, what did I do?
Although this never really reached to anything more than the admirer – crush phase; I felt bad. I thought that we could at least be friends.
It’s a sad truth – that gays who are effeminate or those who are now more popularly known as mamshies find it hard to have meaningful romantic relationships in this masc to masc only gay society. Either we conform to their standards of beauty or at least be super rich or famous to get noticed.
Earlier, I saw a photo of a famous photographer pushing for the effem movement (acceptance of the effeminate ones, I guess). But the last time I checked, he was muscled enough to pass for a masc – had he not been famous. He has an equally hot boyfriend (also, muscular). Ugh. This world and its standards. Why can’t we all be attractive even if we don’t have big musclesssssss????
The three month rule.
Ever heard of the three month rule? That when you break up with someone, you must wait for at least three months before entering a new “relationship”. The thing is, I’ve heard of people who change partners every three months. EVERY THREE FUCKING MONTHS. Okay, no judgment, but what have I done wrong in my past life???? lol.