ménage à trois

In hindsight, I might’ve stayed away on purpose to avoid spilling the same old drama that we’ve all been used to.

30 minutes

A couple of weeks ago, I met someone. I was not supposed to tell this story, but somehow, I felt that I need to remember it – simply because it was weirdly fascinating.

It started when I thought of spending the night in a nearby 24hr spa because the weather has been unbelievably hot and I wanted to sleep somewhere else just to break the monotony. I was lying in one of the La-Z boys, trying to sleep while checking out my newsfeed when a guy passed by. I thought he was checking if there were vacancies, but he started giggling, as if he was so amazed by the loud snores of those who were sleeping. I gave him a warning look, wanting to shoo him away because he might wake some people, but he talked to me. We both thought the other was a foreigner until we realised we were both Filipinos. He asked me if I was alone, and why I was alone, and if I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or if I want one.

He proposed that he’d be my boyfriend for 30minutes. I asked why, and he told me that he has an AV malformation in the brain (with aneurysm – not sure what it is) and he said that every year, there’s a 4% chance that he would die so he was maximizing his time and collecting 30-minute boyfriends. So, being the good natured person that I am, I obliged. We ended up talking for more than an hour – he told me stories about himself, his family, what he does, where he has been to and he also asked me questions, which I answered with all honesty. We happily “broke up” afterwards.

I did not search for him until a week after, and I easily found him on Facebook even if he just gave me his name (coz he said that everything that he told me was the truth, so I was able to use these data to look for him). I left a message, but as expected, I never got a reply.

I’m not sad about it, though. I feel that we both were there when we needed someone to talk to. And I’m glad I was able to be this person to someone, even just for a few minutes.

A While

I used to have a crush on someone. He has been pleasantly accommodating, to the point that I thought he was feeling the same way. But my experience, and my gut feel, and my extra suspicious self made me STOP. First (and here we go again) he has a partner; second, it wasn’t just me he was being touchy-feely with – he was like that towards everyone (so it’s normal for him to act this way); and third, it seems that whatever kind of relationship he has with his partner, I think it’s the type that allows him to flirt with other guys. Even if he returns whatever I felt towards him, there is no way in hell I would want to be involved in such complicated situation. I feel that I’ve been striving to become a better person worthy to love and be loved; and it is not what I deserve. I feel bad that I would have to think about him that way, but it is the vibe I am getting from him. I don’t have the right to ask, because who am I? I was just an admirer. He’s cute, but no, it’s not worth it.

 

Maybe Next Time?

I was talking to a friend earlier, he got stood up on a date (worse, it was his birthday). First, you don’t set a first date on your birthday – if things go wrong, it’ll feel like a double whammy. Second, be careful not to invest too much feelings for someone whom you only met online – although a lot of times, I’ve been guilty of this one. So this friend asked me what could’ve went wrong- why did the person not show up? HOW WILL I KNOW? lol. Maybe he did not meet his date’s expectations?

It’s a sad truth. No matter how many “No to effem shaming” posts we see on Twitter, the gay community shuns those who are femmes. Muscled or toned, straight acting gay men have it better. Of course they deserve it (all the attention, the love); they worked hard for it. I tried living that way – going to the gym to look better, trying to control what I eat.. But I grew tired. I was able to go out on dates – with people who only wanted me in their beds. So I stopped. I felt that if someone would take me seriously, he has to look beyond the physical. And I was wrong; so, so wrong.

The online articles, the magazines – they will tell you that the times have changed, but no, they will just give you hope. It doesn’t really work that way. It’s rare to find someone who will fall in love with a gay Barbie – unless the Barbie is utterly good looking. I consider myself a Barbie, and no. I am not extremely good looking lol.

I think I am already in that mindset that if it’ll not happen, then IDGAF.

I told my friend to move on to the next. He’s young, and should just be collecting boys left and right. lol.

 

 

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