I take off my shoes and feel the breeze on my tired feet. It’s a constant battle between what I should be doing and what I am wanting to do. The cold summer night isn’t doing anything to help me.
I should be given an award for my faux happiness, because to be honest, looking at other people in the eye is a struggle. It is hard to gauge how many dark secrets a sweet smile can mask. My cryptic tweets and Facebook posts were all calls for help – at least to check if someone cares enough to notice. It worked. And yet, my cries were dismissed as petty.
Life hasn’t been well and fair for me. My pay still sucks. But I chose to stay because I wanted to still be able to get my time off for things I plan to do for myself. This is what works for now – and I’m pretty much fine with it.
Maybe life would’ve been better if I had someone to share it with. But a good friend said that everyone is already perfect, like a Sinigang that’s already fine – it can stand alone. But if you add a Patis, it’ll taste better – though, it isn’t a necessary ingredient. (I’m talking about food, if you’re not from the Philippines and you’re reading this).
Ah. Am I wrong to stop trying to look masculine enough? Or should I have flirted a little more – so I could’ve dated someone? What’s stopping me now? I don’t know. I guess I’ve had too many bad starts, and I don’t want to end up wrecking another one. Right now, the heart is empty; but the longing is still there.