101 days before my 33rd birthday
And I’m awake, my body not showing any signs of wanting to sleep any time soon. My mind is just spinning and it’s wanting me to dump thoughts in here; but it’s ten minutes to 12 and I’m not really the type who changes dates just to make sure everything will be on the same day.
But let me try.
As geek as it sounds, I would admit that I am obsessed with numbers. I work with them every single day. I love to see things in order, find the balance amidst the chaos. I love countdowns, when I was in high school, I longed for the weekends to see which songs would be in the MTV charts. They play the videos from 20 to 1, do a quick recap of the songs on the 2nd to the 20th spot and show last year’s number 1 before playing the week’s top song. I love watching beauty contests especially
when they show the scores while the candidates are walking, those numbers give me life. I cringe at the sight of passwords with no numbers in it. I list down every expenses and plan my budget every week – even though most of the time, I don’t really follow it.
Earlier, I was planning for my Korea trip with a friend and he was speaking in Korean Wons, my mind was already converting the KRWs into Philippine pesos. I envy people who can do quick mental calculations.
I feel inferior whenever I see
someone who can divide 5 digits in split seconds.
Sorry, this was utterly nonsense. I just want to justify that I am counting down the 101 days before my 33rd birthday (see, number addict).
It’s 12:06 and I’m still writing – not yet done baby.
A lot like love
The photo above was taken a couple of years ago, probably the last time I received a flower (from colleagues during my 30th birthday). I used to think that I am destined to be with someone, until I became jaded and basically lost all hope in finding love. Come to think of it, I can never really consider my previous relationships as actual mature ones. I was just there for the thrill of it; or maybe I just thought it’ll be cool to have a boyfriend even though they never really acted the part.
So I ended up running after the wrong men; I fought so hard for these people to at least give me a try. But nada. Zilch. Those were trying times, had I not been strong enough, I would’ve succumbed to the worst – probably jumped into the pit of neverending darkness.
I realized, then, that I needed to love myself. As Mama Ru would say, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
And I became better – not physically, I still believe that beauty is skin deep lol.
I did things I love, chose my squad – friends who don’t really give a fck if I’m one hell of a drama queen and still loved me despite my imperfections, ate a lot and fought for stuff that matters. I guess I could say that I gave myself some substance haha.
Sometimes, I still long for the day when I would be in the arms of another man. But if it doesn’t happen, I won’t blame myself for being me. I love the way I am now – flabs and all 😉
It’s 12:19 and I’m off to the last part.
Everyday, I walk to the office. And everyday, I see people just trying to hustle and live the daily grind – zombies getting up early, going to work, clocking out after eight hours or more. I’m scared to be one of them. I’m scared to dread going to work every single day – I admit, there were times when I would rather choose to sleep a bit more than wake up a bit earlier. Yet, I try to fight these urges. Once you know you’re doing something good, then work won’t be a burden at all.
Maybe it’s time that I put on a bright smile (or just a friendly face so they won’t think I’m a crazy perv); just to change their moods. No one should live a boring life.
It’s 12:29 and insomnia has kicked in. I don’t know until what time I would stay awake, but I’m off to Youtube to watch Lea Salonga videos just cause I saw an interview of her earlier.
Good night to those who can read this now and hello to those who might read this tomorrow. If none, that would still be fine. 😂😂😂