TOTGA

Yesterday, I was reminded of you; and of what could have been. 14 years and I still have questions. Maybe one day, you’ll find it in your heart to answer them.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
May 25, 2011

10 years. I never thought I would see him again.

I could barely remember the last time we saw each other. It must have been at the path between AS and the Chem Pavillion. Or maybe at the Shopping center. Maybe at Vinzon’s. CASAA… Only God knows.

But everytime we crossed our paths, there was always that familiar feeling of ‘longing’. We would stop, say our hi’s and hello’s, and then we would pause – as if we wanted that moment to last.

I met him at the summer program for the DOST scholars in UP Diliman. We were of the same height, same built, same color (I think.. oh well, maybe his skin was lighter)… He was one of my first friends after high school. I remember spending late nights in his room at Kalayaan, talking about nonsense stuff.

Despite the fact that we were both neophytes in this independent world, somehow, I felt safe with him. At 16, I knew this friendship was something else.

Or maybe, I was just imagining things. Maybe, it’s just wishful thinking – that he might have felt the same way.

And then, classes started. Though we took the same course, we were never classmates. He also didn’t stay in the same dorm. I saw him around campus, though. We sometimes talked, I couldn’t remember if we went out to eat, see a movie or do some research in the library; but I know we did one of those things..

And I met someone else.

Strange as it may seem – everytime I saw him, I felt sad. He was never with anyone (or maybe its just coincidence). There were times when we would just stare at each other, nod, and walk away.

But then again, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I was just giving meaning to ordinary things.

Fast forward to one fateful Friday night at the anniversary of a bar in Malate. I was queueing for the men’s room, and there he was – right in front of me.

He knew me. It was very awkward. I don’t even know if he ‘came out’ in college or what, but I know he already has a partner. I’ve seen them on Facebook a year before, I added him, he accepted and then deleted me.

After the men’s room moment, I saw him again at the dancefloor with his partner. I told the people I was with that night that I saw someone from the past. One of them had a ‘bright’ idea of introducing me again to him…. I was never really up for it, but after a few drinks, I found myself being introduced to someone I have already known 10 years ago.

And guess what.

He said he didn’t know me.

And then, again, maybe I was just putting stupid meanings to simple things.
Maybe he just can’t remember.
Maybe he said he didn’t know me, because he never really wanted me to be his friend in the first place.
Maybe, ten years ago, he just didn’t have a choice but to be with me.
Maybe, he was just shy?
Maybe he abhors me?
Maybe he just doesn’t want to remember?
Ugh.

But what if..

What if I hurt him ten years ago?
What if I did not meet someone else?
What if I stayed at the University?
What if I told him, young as I was then, that I may have fallen in love with him already?
What if I am not a nobody to him…..

I could have been the one dancing with him in that bar………

#regrets #love #theonethatgotaway #sadness

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