The truth

That was the longest three hours of my life. For three months, I have been carrying this burden.

I was afraid to face what lies ahead. I’ve created scenarios and all of them do not end up well. So I made a plan yesterday morning. I’ll go home, be with my family, gather enough courage and absorb some much needed love. I’ll come back Sunday and I will have myself tested.

So this morning, when I woke up, I was still having second thoughts. I could fake it, I could tell everyone that I am ready – whatever the result may be. Still, part of me was anxious. My life would change for sure.

On the way back to the city, I tried to divert my attention by watching the movie being shown in the bus. And then, somehow, I felt better – knowing that this was the same movie my brother and I watched last week.

No connection, I know. You see, I’m the type who puts meanings into a lot of things.

Anyway, at the RITM clinic, there were a couple of guys whom I guess are having themselves tested as well. I was number 8. I looked for a toilet and they didn’t have one so I went to the nearby public toilet to pee.

I came back just in time for my number to be called. The counsellor asked me what I know about HIV, about my sexual history.. I don’t know why, but this was the first time I felt comfortable

talking to a stranger about the real score of my sex life. So anyway, I told him I think I am ready. He asked if I have someone who can support me in this if the results are unfavorable. I told him about a few friends who know that I am there, although they are not physically present that moment.

And then the blood extraction.

And the three hour wait for the results..

For some reason, I had that peaceful feeling inside me. I thought then that maybe if this is what it is, at least I’ll have

time to prepare. I can plan my funeral properly. Such morbid thoughts. When I came back to the clinic, there were already a lot of people inside. All of us were waiting for the results.

My number was called. I was trembling. The counsellor asked me again my name, birthday, just to confirm that we have the right results.

When I opened it, I cried. I asked the counsellor to give me a hug. It was one of my most vulnerable moments. Right there and then, I knew, God was in control.

This was probably God’s way of saying: Yup. I heard you. I’ve done my part of the deal now you do yours.

And yes, God. I will do it. I will be whatever you want me to be. You are in control and I am loving it.

Thank you very much.

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